The Writer's Room
by ladidai
Summary: Ever wonder how this wonderful piece of television gets written? I have, so let's take a gander into the writer's room. Crack-Fic


A/N: This will be the only paragraph in the entire story you should take seriously. Fun will be made of Glee fanfic, Glee fandom, and Glee in general. Stop reading right now if you can't take a joke about the show. Fun will also be made of many a serious topic. If you take this story seriously, get offended, and send me indignant reviews and/or comments, I will laugh at them and you. This takes place during a vague time and in a vague universe after "Original Song."

I started writing this before it was announced they had hired new writers, but I'm sure Ryan Murphy won't listen to their opinions either.

Nothing after this sentence should be taken seriously.

Disclaimer: I'm the magical combination of Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, Ian Brennan, and Fox Television, so I actually own Glee. This story will be canon one day, just you wait.

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><p>"No way, Rach! There's no way I'm doing this!"<p>

"Finn, this has to be done. You know it does."

Finn looked up at Rachel with a pained expression which she was mirroring.

"I don't want to do this." He said softly and looked down at the weight in his right hand. It felt like the heaviest thing in the world.

"I know you don't, but there's no other choice." She dropped her head and softly said, "If you aren't willing to do it, then I'll do it myself."

His head shot up. "You just said you couldn't! That's why you asked me to do it!"

"I—I'd find a way." She looked up and smiled sadly, "There are numerous ways one could go about…this and I'm sure I would be able to think of one that I could perform by myself."

Finn looked around the rundown room, filled with stacks of supplies, for help, but found none from the other two people in the room. Puck was angrily stomping a path back and forth in the small room, muttering "fuck" over and over again while swinging a bat around like he wanted to beat the shit out of someone or something. Quinn's face was paler than usual, causing the blood stains on it to stand out in even starker contrast, as she leaned forward with her hands on her knees deeply breathing in and out trying to stop herself from crying or puking, probably both.

When he looked back at her, she was looking right back at him. "Please, Finn. This is the only way."

He didn't know how long he listened to the beat of his heart hammering away in his ears as they stared at each other.

"Okay."

He swallowed once before his fingers flicked off the safety to the handgun he was holding in his right hand. The gun was brought up and the hammer was pulled back, readying it to be fired. He lined up the sights with Rachel's forehead and fought back his tears as his eyes found her tear filled ones.

"I love you."

His finger settled onto the trigger.

"I love you."

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><p>"What the fuck? You can't start an episode of <span>Glee<span> like that!"

"Why the hell not Ryan? It's interesting isn't it? More interesting than the fucking Warblers doing a random song for no reason or watching the Cheerios prance around for nothing to a shitty Katy Perry song."

"Fuck you Brad."

"Whatever Ian. Those were terrible opening scenes and you know it."

"Those were Ryan's ideas."

"And they were shitty ideas."

"You still aren't opening an episode like that."

"Fine, we'll open the episode with-"

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><p>"Mr. Schue, this is the dumbest idea you've ever had and you've had plenty of dumb ones." Santana said from her seat in the choir room.<p>

"C'mon guys," Mr. Schue brought his hands up, "We need to do this to support Rachel. She's going through a really tough time."

Santana glared at Rachel sitting alone in the front row who looked like she about to burst into tears and spat out, "Thanks a lot Treasure Trail."

A small sob escape from Rachel before she said, "Mr. Schue, we really don't need to do this. This is my personal issue that the rest of the club shouldn't be bothered with."

"No Rachel, we're a family and families stick together. We need to support one another through the thick and thin, whether it's a personal issue or something that's going on in the club…"

The entire glee club zoned out while Mr. Schue went through his weekly spiel about friends and family and journeys and memories and god knows what else. None of the kids listened to him anymore.

Their attention was brought back to their director when he clapped his hands.

"Remember guys, across the road, not down the street. We don't actually want to kill ourselves; we're just doing this as a cry for attention." He pantomimed the action with the razor blade he held in his right hand, "All right, now show me you guys know how to do it, wouldn't want any mistakes."

The kids in the club mimicked his actions.

"Okay, all at once guys."

* * *

><p>"Brad, you're just fucking with us now aren't you?"<p>

"What? Self-injury is a big issue among teenagers now. I thought you'd want to address that in Glee, like you do everything else."

"Everything else?"

"You know like: homophobia, bullying, teen pregnancy, divorce, bad parenting, drug use, drinking, sex, religion, death, love, betrayal, mother issues, father issues, personal growth, fitting in, being different, accepting who you are… Man, we've crammed a lot into this show in under two seasons, shouldn't we be pacing ourselves a bit more?"

"What for?"

"You don't think we might start repeating plots?"

"Nah, our audience won't notice shit like that and if they do, we'll just get Santana to break up a couple so people will bitch about that."

"Yea, that always works. So, back to the episode opening."

"Maybe one of the Glee kids could get slushied?"

"Yea! Thanks Ian, that would be so interesting and original cause we've never done that before! Oh wait, go fuck yourself."

"I was just trying to help man."

"Whatever, Ryan how about we open in a highly modified car with Eugene Levy and…"

* * *

><p>"100 kink right 2"<p>

"100 kink right 4"

"400 flat into crest into kink left 4"

"100 finish"

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><p>"Okay, what the fuck are you writing now Brad?"<p>

"Well, I figured it's about damn time we saw Rachel's parents."

"I thought we agreed to never do that?"

"I don't think we agreed to do that. You just kinda decided to do that on your own."

"Shut up Ian."

"Aside from the fact that we agreed to not put them into the show, what the fuck are they saying?"

"Well, I figured that we had to have a reason that they haven't been in the show so I made them rally drivers."

"Rally drivers?"

"Yea, you know those guys who race around on mountains all over the world."

"Why the hell would they be rally driving?"

"Why the hell wouldn't they show up at Sectionals, Regionals, or Nationals?"

"Again, we agreed not to talk about or speak about this on the show."

"You think because we don't mention her parents on the show, the audience won't notice?"

"It's worked so far. Let's see how far we can take it."

"Jesus Christ, Fine. We'll cut out Rachel's parents."

"So how are you gonna open the episode?"

"I have a suggestion…"

"Shut up Ian. Guess we better open up with… Where's our random character selection dice? And the dice says… Rachel aaaaaaaaaaand Sue."

"Rachel and Sue?"

"The dice have spoken."

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><p>AN 2: Take this seriously too: Don't expect this to be updated too often.


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